Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 馃檨
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ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don鈥檛 remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn鈥檛 realise they were for a baby.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
If I get suspended again, I鈥檓 just making a LinkedIn account.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn鈥檛 obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
i鈥檓 on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don鈥檛 know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I鈥檓 seeing I think they鈥檙e teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
It sucks when you鈥檙e stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what鈥檚 going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?