{in the ER}
WIFE: My husband broke his leg
ME: From sex
W: He fell off a ladder
ME: During sex
W: While painting
ME: Painting sex

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I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life


Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.


*hairstylist holds mirror behind my head after styling my hair*
“Is that ok for you sir?”
“Yes that is a beautiful mirror. I’ll take it”


My 21yr old son: “Mom sometimes I think you only had me for the free, lifetime tech support”

*slow wink*


Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds


[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”


Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.


Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!


[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*