In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
You Might Also Like
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
I
T
H
I
N
KW
ES
H
O
U
L
DR
U
I
NP
E
O
P
L
E
ST
I
M
E
L
I
N
EB
YT
W
E
E
T
I
N
GL
I
K
ET
H
I
SA
L
LD
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.