In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
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Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
wtf management?!
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
