In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
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The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
🤣😂🤣😂
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…