In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
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[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
called in thicc to work this morning
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Rooting for the overdog
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Mistakes were made
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”