In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
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My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
i’m sure it’s fine
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
[montage of me giving-up]
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.