Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

wait.

Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient

Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.

Everything reminds me of my ex

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.

“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”

~me, never

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.