In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
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I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.