*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
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can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
black phone good
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?