In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
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I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Lmaoo 😂
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope