Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

woke up in the middle of the night to write this down

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

[job interview]

employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company

me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.