In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
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Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
#titanic
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence