In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
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My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.