In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
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Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
LOL
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol