Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

Dr: What are some of your hobbies?

“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”

Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity

Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together

H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE

M- VERY WRONG I WAS

I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS