Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

Wife: cuddle?

Me: ok

Wife: I mean with me

Me: *with my teddy bear* right

*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.

What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓

Strawbarely.

#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”

You did what sir?!

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now

Cop: “License and registration please.”

*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*

Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.

-My son, apparently

Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?

Her: I’d love that!

Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting