Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a baker]

boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?

me: you said to make donuts

b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!

m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

Me: [fails Captcha test]

Captcha: haha goptcha

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching

Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.

LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.

JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will