Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

genie: your first wish?

me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”

Me: “You should wear them all the time.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “Exactly.”

I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.

Quick observation about the passage of time.

I’m 44. Born in 1980.

1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.

1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.

2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.

2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.

Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral

To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me

Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine

*raises glass, winks*

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.

ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.