Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

2019: Crowd surfing

2020: Channel surfing

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

*loud crash*

15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!

13: The key word being “almost”.

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

Parents: Are you eating well at school?

Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!

Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*

…they just keep sending more…

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯

[1776]
America: We want the British out

[1931]
Australia: We want the British out

[1947]
India: We want the British out

[2020]
Britain: We want the British out

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”

Ooooh. That’ll show me.

getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”