Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”

Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

My dream car is a taco truck.

Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.

[going out]

other moms: have fun, be safe!

my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

“You heard the song I was playing?”

Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM

“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.

*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

How all things should be taught/explained.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.

Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.