In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
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You’re not my real can
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?