In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
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One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Respect
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.