[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
You Might Also Like
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
This tweet has been deleted
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.