In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
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i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!