In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
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Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Howl 😭
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Is….Is this an option?
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight