[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
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The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.