In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
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Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
No. YOU-buprofen.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?