Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!

Okay, I’m still confused…

living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else

[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

[help desk at the mall]

Her: can I help you?

Me: I want this desk to help me

Her: it doesn’t work that way

Me: it doesn’t look busy

Her: it’s a desk, sir

Me: a help desk

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .

Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya