In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
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Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two