In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
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Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.