In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
You Might Also Like
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
A friend sent me this.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
These are too funny not to post 😂
I ate everything, including the H.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom