in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
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Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
When someone says you are so lazy
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.