in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
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I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
work smarter, not harder
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.
Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script