in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
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Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
All food is good if you spell it wrong
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay