in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
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Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
certified hallow’s eve classic
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Otters see a butterfly.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.