[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
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My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Not recommended for beginners.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good