Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

[first date]

HER: i’m really into astronomy

ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue

It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid

[working from home]

8:00am: wake up

8:30am: eat cereal

8:30-noon: can’t remember

noon: open laptop

noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”

12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up

12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up

1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp

God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”

Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!

My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.