In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
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Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
You can’t outrun your problems…
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
That’s amazing.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)