In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
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Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Cool shirt 🙂
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.
As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.