In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
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The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life