Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

A ghost story

Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

gentlemen, hear me out

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

“These are serious allegations”

You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.

My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.

My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere

GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!

GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES

#SaturdayBears

Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks

*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds