Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

What’s a retweet called now?

I vote Xerox.

Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

My inexpensive home security system…

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.

British people be like I’m Bri ish

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

the simulation is moving too fast

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!

Saturday

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.