@Marlebean

[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”

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@TheMichaelRock

Me *wakes up from nap*

Wife: what are you doing up?

Me: was I not supposed to wake up?

Wife[nervous laugh] what?

@rosannecash

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.

@DaddyJew

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

@UncleDuke1969

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

@TheBoydP

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

@ipalatsky

it would probably never occur to you, but if need be, yellow pages book can knock your opponent out without any visible bruising.

@dorsalstream

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

@LivibelsDada

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

@Heather2Go

I have the body of a 25-year-old girl, a 25-year-old who has recently been eaten by a 40-year-old bear.