[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
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You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?