[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
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[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.