Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”

Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.

Librarian: Nice try, pal.

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no

“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”

When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like

DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up

Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.