In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
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* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Customer is always right
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!