In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
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“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
you mean to tell me that wasn’t a drinking fountain you installed in your bathroom toilet?
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
