Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

i really liked this one

The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.

“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.

Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3