In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
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5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
What.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.