In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
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me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
this is me
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*