In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
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me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.