Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

Looks like the mayor is getting serious.

me: I’ll take this goth pear

cashier: that’s an avocado

The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

Gotta love the Dead Kennedys

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?

THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”

. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

The regular crowd

👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /

Shuffles in