in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
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Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie