Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*

ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

just gave your address to some spiders

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that

Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it

If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

🔥🔥

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.