In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
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her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions