Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

Do you want contact-free delivery?

□ Yes
▣ No

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.

“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”

john wicks are toilet candles

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work

He didn’t suffer, it was instant

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

*Throws caution to the wind*

*gets covered in caution*

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

Zack Greinke stories are the best

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.