In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
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Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time