Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

Thank you corporation very cool

1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.

5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids

Me: it’ll be me

5yo: eh, probably not

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.

Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

christening a ship with an overripe banana

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO