Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”

He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.

Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?

What my back needs

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying

Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed