Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

time for some seasonal decor

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.

Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

2023 was just a warmup

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.

Otters drive ottermobiles.

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend