In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
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I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
a test & 10-day waiting period before you can use an apostrophe
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
*kids fighting over something*
Me: This is the season of giving and sharing. Be nice and share with each other.
Husband: Honey, are there any more Reese’s Christmas Trees left?
Me: *hiding the last package* No, sorry, they’re all gone.
*looks at you in batman voice*
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor