In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
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16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
rip to my favourite tweet
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
🌱🌱🌱
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
