In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
You Might Also Like
Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Life: let’s gooo
Road conditions: fuck you
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
called in thicc to work this morning