In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
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Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.