in the ocean
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Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Terribly Tuesday.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.