in the ocean
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“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.