in the ocean
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My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
my first day as a raccoon
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
awesome draft from months ago i just found
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.