in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
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Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Before & after 😅
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
this is the best interaction on twitter
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.