in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
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The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
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Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.