Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations

My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: no, not really-

ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]

Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.

Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.